Sunday, February 18, 2007

Note to self: No Pain, No Gain

We often forget that to love is to put your heart out in the open and risk getting it fucked over a couple of times.

We also often forget that it's worth it.

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'Ain at 21:07

4 comments

Thursday, November 09, 2006

What you resist persists

I watched The Secret last night and witnessed new revelations unfold.

Miracles are not that difficult to achieve. In fact, they're not difficult at all. Magic happens when you want and intend them to, and when you forbid the opportunity for resistance to stop them from happening (or rather, stop 'you from happening').

When you want something really badly, ask for it, throw the intent out to the world, and half the battle's already won. What's left to do is to sustain the desire, raise your awareness, be sensitive to your environment and observe the signs, and watch how the universe conspires and makes it happen for you. Let your guard down, and let life in.

I've put a lot of thought into my relationship with Ian the past two days. And I saw how he and I had contributed to the manifestation of the romance. The relationship was thriving on the immense desire for each other. The intent was pure and we eliminated the possibilities for the why and the reasoning (i.e. resistance), and all that mattered was the existence itself. Together, this was indomitable. Almost.

I say that because there have been occasions when I've overlooked and indirectly allowed room for this relationship to 'not work out'. And I speak only for myself when I identify the underlying mistakes made in this relationship. Sometimes, when I spoke of wanting it to work out, the conversations that drive the want don't come from the right space. I don't necessarily think, "This relationship will be amazing" but instead, I say "I don't want this relationship to fail", which is really me saying "This relationship is going to fail". The fear or worry of failure immediately becomes an invitation for failure to happen. Wanting something because you want it, and wanting something because you think you don't have it and don't want not to have it creates two outcomes, completely opposite of each other, even though it seems like they're both asking for the same thing. The more you resist the things that you don't want to happen, the likelier they'll happen. Simple law of attraction.

"We are shaped by our thoughts, and we become what we think. When the mind is pure, true joy follows like a shadow which never leaves." – Buddha.

I've been exercising my energy from the wrong places and I'm quite done shooting myself in the foot. Yes, I fucked it up. I'm very aware of where I went wrong. But I'm not about to regress and live in remorse. I'm making room now for the endless possibilities that this relationship will create, for the immeasurable amount of love I'm about to give, and for the magic that's about to happen.

Imagination is everything. It’s the preview of life’s coming attractions.

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'Ain at 17:59

2 comments

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Talking about love is like dancing about science

When Ian and I met, it felt like the entire universe conspired with us because over what seemed like only a few nights, the attraction manifested itself into spawns of uncontrollable thirst for more of something we can’t really put a name to.

It’s a chain reaction - the chemical precursors that signal the onset of an emotion, designed specifically to overwhelm logic and reason.

And it’s fascinating to read these reactions. Because people are, by design, based on a similar predication: a contingent affirmation that was meant to create a profound attachment to the people around them. But while they experience this in a general way, our experience is far more defined, and unexplainable at the same time.

And then for weeks, we struggled against it, we fought to deny it; but that was of course a lie. Of course, denial is the most predictable of all human responses. A momentary lapse of judgment, soon to be rectified because beneath the poised appearances, we are completely out of control. And we know that soon the why and the reason will be gone and all that matters is its existence itself.

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'Ain at 18:25

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Thursday, September 28, 2006

I will walk on water

I’m about to make an attempt to blog about my love life, without sounding too much like a pussy.

I clearly remember yelling repeatedly “About fucking time!” and grabbing the bottle of whiskey and taking a triumphant swig, the night I ended my relationship with the ex. Little did I foresee that night, that 4 months down the road, I’d finally find someone who’d match up to me. Believe me when I say, I had to go through a lot to be where I am today.

Whatever’s between us is far from typical and beyond profound. Almost reckless, even. For what it’s worth, I know I’m gonna be riding this melt for a while.

I fucking love the guy.

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'Ain at 12:53

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Tuesday, June 13, 2006

There's a devil in our kiss

I, as a naïve, relatively new member of the workforce and a sceptic in the dating world, assumed that when I returned to the office today, I would be well-rested and ready to work. I thought I would even be a little happy to be back because, after coercing my way out of work on Friday, I had in total, three entire days without work. One would think that boredom would set in, partying and drinking would lose its fun, reality television its edge and dating would be mundane, and I would come back to the office with a cute pencil skirt and stilettos, the image of Cosmo’s working girl/woman.

No.

I met him up at Blooie’s last night, and then kissed in his car again for hours. Till six in the morning.

That’s two nights/mornings in a row with this guy.

What the fuck’s going on?

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'Ain at 13:38

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Monday, June 12, 2006

A Royal Flush

Sundays are typically spent whiling away on the couch, watching Sex and The City re-runs.

Last night however, was not the case. A particular guy I’ve been not-too-shamelessly flirting with (and have never really met) asked me out for beer – an offer I almost cannot refuse. So I agreed to meet up at a beer joint I used to go. A good looking complete stranger, familiar territory, and a common interest – beer. Can’t really go wrong can it?

I picked out a dress, and left the house around midnight, with one thing in mind, “Beer.” Okay, two things – “This guy had better be interesting and hot, or I’m getting a beer and taking a taxi back home immediately.”

Ian, was his name. And hot and interesting was an understatement. He had everything going for him. Tattoo, piercings, a great face (and what seemed like an incredible body, I’m not sure, but we will eventually find out), an incredible voice, stealthy moves, and a flawless sense of humour. He scored extra points for being able to make fun of me. Plus, he seemed like he loved beer just as much as I do.

I’m trying to not give this guy too much credit, but what happened last night was just warped. It was intense, like a game of deuces. This guy knew how to play his cards, and he played them well.

So one thing led to another and the game led us to a poolside, where we talked, mocked at each other, chain-smoked, and made out. He tasted like beer and cigarettes. And he was an amazing kisser. It wasn’t supposed to happen, and it felt new, yet so in sync. Apparently, that went on for hours. I’m not even sure how.

I decided it was best to leave it at that (at almost four fucking a.m.), and have him drive me home. I didn’t know what to think or say during the ride home. My mind was still at that fucking kiss. I looked over and watched his hand move from the stick shift to my face, and back. He smiled. I looked away.

When we got to my place, I thanked him for the night, and said good night. I don’t even remember how it happened but we kissed again. And it felt impossible to stop.

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'Ain at 16:26

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Friday, May 19, 2006

Does Chemistry Require Chemicals?

Not if you’re a sucker for pain.

People survive amazing disasters. The earthquake victim is pulled alive from the rubble. The driver walks away scratch-free from a crumpled auto. A woman endures a first date with a cologne-soaked, emotional baggage-laden, mid-level marketing executive.
Luck plays into the equation, but you can increase your chances of surviving an unpleasant first encounter. An ounce of prevention is worth a six-month stay in a sanitarium.

The following are tips for surviving that first date with me. Read them as if your life depended on it.

Assemble a first date disaster kit. The following items are essential:

A quart of mouth wash and eight-feet of Listerine Strips.

A moral compass.

A pin to deflate that ego.

Shin guards. Crotch guards. The works.


No expectations.

The pictures you have of me are neither ten years old, nor have they been airbrushed to oblivion, or came with a recently purchased wallet. You need not expect somebody six inches shorter or 40 pounds heavier -- or both. However, I am highly capable of over-eating or over-dieting within a short span of days. DON'T PANIC. Focus on the positive.

I do not possess a striking resemblance to the suspects you've seen on "Cops," but you might want to seek information for conversation starters: "Is there a story behind that scar?" Or, "Do you braid your nose hair for religious reasons?" With luck, the evening will fly by before you get to UFOs and Elvis pilgrimages.


Familiarize yourself with all exits.

This may come in very handy halfway through dinner (in a good or bad way). We can both create a diversion and sneak out the nearest door without anyone suspecting a thing. Everything else that happens after that need not be mentioned here and requires reader’s discretion and parental guidance.


Practice your "pretend" listening skills.

The most essential survival dating skill is the ability to appear as though you are listening. Remember to nod and blink. Do not linger your attention to another woman across the room unless it is your mother who doesn’t speak a word of English. If it isn’t your Mom, or any legal female member of your family, be sure to wear a helmet, shin guards, crotch guards and protective vest to avoid battery and injury on any part of your body. (Refer to disaster kit)

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'Ain at 16:23

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Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Add some fries on the side to that

I’m beginning to get rather impatient with men.

Let’s get this straight. I will not tolerate calls on my cell every minute. I cannot tolerate men constantly bleating to me about how much they miss the smell of my hair. I don’t have the patience to entertain insecurities on a daily basis. I don't want to mother and don't need to be mothered. I do not want a knight in shining fucking armor. And I hate baby talk.

What I really want is a challenge. I want a man I can spend the next few years loathing, loving and lusting all at the same time. A man who gets a kick out of sparring with me. A man who just can’t seem to get enough of me, but hates me to death. A man to fight in bed and mess up the sheets with and then to fall asleep naked with. Someone I can say “I fucking hate you” in the face, make it up with a night of reckless passion and abandon, only to end it with "I fucking love you". Screw the knight in shining armor. Give me the last standing wounded warrior who puts me on a pedestal to be worshipped, only to sink his teeth into me to devour and tear me apart into shreds after.

If you think you fit the bill, I’d like to make a double order of you.

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'Ain at 00:00

3 comments

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Relationships made easy

The common name black widow spider specifically belongs to the eastern species Latrodectus mactans. Latrodectus hesperus is very similar to the true black widow.

Female black widows are generally found on their irregularly-shaped webs near the ground. Favored locations, once identified, can routinely be predicted to contain a spider, even if the occupant is regularly removed. The female requires a shaded, secluded resting place where she spends the daylight hours if her web is constructed in an open area.

Mating is an elaborate process that begins when a wandering male encounters the webbing of a female. The female black widow spider's webbing contains a pheromone that identifies her to the male. The male approaches the female cautiously while sending vibratory messages to her through her web. If she is receptive, she will remain motionless long enough for the male to deposit sperm in her genital opening. After insemination, the male usually lingers on the female's web until she eats him. This sacrifice contributes nutrients to eggs that the male's sperm will posthumously fertilize.

Currently playing: Carly Simon - You're So Vain

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'Ain at 17:44

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