Friday, May 19, 2006

Does Chemistry Require Chemicals?

Not if you’re a sucker for pain.

People survive amazing disasters. The earthquake victim is pulled alive from the rubble. The driver walks away scratch-free from a crumpled auto. A woman endures a first date with a cologne-soaked, emotional baggage-laden, mid-level marketing executive.
Luck plays into the equation, but you can increase your chances of surviving an unpleasant first encounter. An ounce of prevention is worth a six-month stay in a sanitarium.

The following are tips for surviving that first date with me. Read them as if your life depended on it.

Assemble a first date disaster kit. The following items are essential:

A quart of mouth wash and eight-feet of Listerine Strips.

A moral compass.

A pin to deflate that ego.

Shin guards. Crotch guards. The works.


No expectations.

The pictures you have of me are neither ten years old, nor have they been airbrushed to oblivion, or came with a recently purchased wallet. You need not expect somebody six inches shorter or 40 pounds heavier -- or both. However, I am highly capable of over-eating or over-dieting within a short span of days. DON'T PANIC. Focus on the positive.

I do not possess a striking resemblance to the suspects you've seen on "Cops," but you might want to seek information for conversation starters: "Is there a story behind that scar?" Or, "Do you braid your nose hair for religious reasons?" With luck, the evening will fly by before you get to UFOs and Elvis pilgrimages.


Familiarize yourself with all exits.

This may come in very handy halfway through dinner (in a good or bad way). We can both create a diversion and sneak out the nearest door without anyone suspecting a thing. Everything else that happens after that need not be mentioned here and requires reader’s discretion and parental guidance.


Practice your "pretend" listening skills.

The most essential survival dating skill is the ability to appear as though you are listening. Remember to nod and blink. Do not linger your attention to another woman across the room unless it is your mother who doesn’t speak a word of English. If it isn’t your Mom, or any legal female member of your family, be sure to wear a helmet, shin guards, crotch guards and protective vest to avoid battery and injury on any part of your body. (Refer to disaster kit)

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'Ain at 16:23

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