Sunday, February 18, 2007

Note to self: No Pain, No Gain

We often forget that to love is to put your heart out in the open and risk getting it fucked over a couple of times.

We also often forget that it's worth it.

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'Ain at 21:07

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Monday, January 15, 2007

On a separate note...

...I've somehow managed to find myself in an eligible-female-blogger-dating-thing called DreamD8.

If you, like the rest of the entire working population, are trying to look busy in the office and don't have a bitch of an office firewall to deal with, visit this.

And then step out of the office for a fag and send in20 ainaid to 76776 on your cell to send me to Japan.

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'Ain at 16:44

1 comments

Note to self: Get some sun

It’s been two weeks since Ian and I have had the new place and I’ve done nothing but cook, eat, wash the dishes, make the bed, sleep, mess up the bed, drink whiskey, make GreyGoose cocktails, smoke, read, lounge around in underwear, have sex, really mess up the bed, have friends over, cook for them, get drunk, get hung-over, wash barf down the toilet and deal with an addiction to Duke Nuke’em (and completely lose track of time).

I’d imagine it to be much worse once we finally fix up that plasma TV and plug in the Playstation II.

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'Ain at 16:43

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Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Of wedding vows, new apartment, and bad press

Two weddings in a span of three weeks are more than I can take. My cousin Shiraj got married last weekend, and everything which occurred over the two days was stopping me (or so I choose to believe) from attending the wedding - the bad weather, casting auditions, snuggling up to my boyfriend in bed all day, a bad reaction to mee rebus, a malfunctioning hair blow-dryer, a dire need to catch up with sleep, a broken zipper on my dress…

I turned up for the wedding eventually… when it was over. The dirty looks I got from the relatives were nothing compared to the amount of “So I reckon you’re next?” my sister had to go through. Relatives naturally grow accustomed to asking questions like that. Like it’s some kind of a second or third degree family tree genetic disease.

Meanwhile, outside the everyone’s-getting-hitched-and-knocked-up-world, things are finally picking up. After many dreadful weeks of apartment-hunting, Ian and I finally found a place we can actually call home - a private walk-up apartment. Our room’s cosy and absolutely gorgeous, although I can’t say the same for the rest of the place.

So we’re moving in on New Year’s. Too late for a New Year’s party, so plans for a regular house party are in the works. I wonder how it’ll be like living with a boyfriend. It can’t be that big a challenge (or can it?)– to not take up too much of each other’s time and private space while living in the same house, and not crossing the getting-much-too-comfortable-with-each-other line. I’m practising now. In fact, right now I’m on my notebook, in bed at Ian’s, ready to snooze while he’s out at the coffee shop with the guys.

And I could really use a glass of scotch.

PS. And to everyone who's here and read that Newman article - for the record, I'm not out to be the female equivalent of David D’Angelo. That's just wishful thinking.

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'Ain at 23:12

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Thursday, December 14, 2006

Out Of My Mind. Be Back Later.

I've been busy. Will update soon.

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'Ain at 18:44

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Friday, November 24, 2006

The coming of age

I’ve a wedding to go to tonight and I’m not so crazy about the idea. Don’t get me wrong. Weddings are beautiful. I’m just not prepared for the mental turmoil which comes with them. Especially when my boyfriend doesn’t want to go. Especially when my best friend isn’t around to come with me and fill up the unrelenting “Yes, I’m a friend of the groom’s. Yes, I came alone. No, I’m not single and depressed. No, I do not want to meet your son who works as a PHP programmer/System analyst. No, I do not want more cake.” void.

Not on a Friday night, when I’d rather make the more pragmatic choice to embrace the weekend with open arms, and a ruthless amount of alcohol.

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'Ain at 18:23

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Thursday, November 09, 2006

What you resist persists

I watched The Secret last night and witnessed new revelations unfold.

Miracles are not that difficult to achieve. In fact, they're not difficult at all. Magic happens when you want and intend them to, and when you forbid the opportunity for resistance to stop them from happening (or rather, stop 'you from happening').

When you want something really badly, ask for it, throw the intent out to the world, and half the battle's already won. What's left to do is to sustain the desire, raise your awareness, be sensitive to your environment and observe the signs, and watch how the universe conspires and makes it happen for you. Let your guard down, and let life in.

I've put a lot of thought into my relationship with Ian the past two days. And I saw how he and I had contributed to the manifestation of the romance. The relationship was thriving on the immense desire for each other. The intent was pure and we eliminated the possibilities for the why and the reasoning (i.e. resistance), and all that mattered was the existence itself. Together, this was indomitable. Almost.

I say that because there have been occasions when I've overlooked and indirectly allowed room for this relationship to 'not work out'. And I speak only for myself when I identify the underlying mistakes made in this relationship. Sometimes, when I spoke of wanting it to work out, the conversations that drive the want don't come from the right space. I don't necessarily think, "This relationship will be amazing" but instead, I say "I don't want this relationship to fail", which is really me saying "This relationship is going to fail". The fear or worry of failure immediately becomes an invitation for failure to happen. Wanting something because you want it, and wanting something because you think you don't have it and don't want not to have it creates two outcomes, completely opposite of each other, even though it seems like they're both asking for the same thing. The more you resist the things that you don't want to happen, the likelier they'll happen. Simple law of attraction.

"We are shaped by our thoughts, and we become what we think. When the mind is pure, true joy follows like a shadow which never leaves." – Buddha.

I've been exercising my energy from the wrong places and I'm quite done shooting myself in the foot. Yes, I fucked it up. I'm very aware of where I went wrong. But I'm not about to regress and live in remorse. I'm making room now for the endless possibilities that this relationship will create, for the immeasurable amount of love I'm about to give, and for the magic that's about to happen.

Imagination is everything. It’s the preview of life’s coming attractions.

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'Ain at 17:59

2 comments

Friday, October 27, 2006

No need for a headline

I am ticked off.

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'Ain at 04:17

2 comments

Monday, October 23, 2006

Love Knows Not Its Own Depth Until The Hour Of Separation

I got dramatically sick this morning. I can't say for sure that this is due to the fact that I may be suffering from boyfriend-withdrawal-symptoms. This is very foreign to me.

And while this is not fun under the best of circumstances, I'm imagining it to be considerably less fun if I'm temporarily staying with my boyfriend and hoping to appear beautiful while nauseous. I know I would eventually abandon all attempts to look even mildly attractive while lying in bed in his drawstring pants, making forts of tissues, begging him to end my misery.

Okay, I seem to have unintentionally painted a more accurate picture of domestic life. I am still hoping that temporarily staying with him would feature me in my underwear cavorting about with a beer in hand, cooking and having wild sex in the kitchen...

I guess we'll only be pleasantly surprised.

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'Ain at 17:52

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Sunday, October 22, 2006

Be quiet and drive

The boyfriend will be gone for three days. Having learned from previous experiences, I'm not even going to attempt to believe that I will go for yoga everyday, quit smoking, and generally engage in healthy living. Instead I am going to embrace my inner sloth, eat everything in sight, and generally celebrate the fact that no one will be seeing me naked. (It was hard to find the silver lining there, but I did it).

I do however, need to put into practise some self control, particularly because we will be going on a quick vacation this weekend. I really hope I left myself enough time to lose all the weight I will inevitably gain over the next few days. Boys always stutter and stammer their way out of the question “Would you still love me if I got really fat?” Except for one of my friends, whose boyfriend responded “Well, I would have to talk to you about it because gaining weight when you’re in a relationship is really selfish.” There's a modicuum of truth in that, but it is just not a comforting answer.

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'Ain at 19:41

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Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Talking about love is like dancing about science

When Ian and I met, it felt like the entire universe conspired with us because over what seemed like only a few nights, the attraction manifested itself into spawns of uncontrollable thirst for more of something we can’t really put a name to.

It’s a chain reaction - the chemical precursors that signal the onset of an emotion, designed specifically to overwhelm logic and reason.

And it’s fascinating to read these reactions. Because people are, by design, based on a similar predication: a contingent affirmation that was meant to create a profound attachment to the people around them. But while they experience this in a general way, our experience is far more defined, and unexplainable at the same time.

And then for weeks, we struggled against it, we fought to deny it; but that was of course a lie. Of course, denial is the most predictable of all human responses. A momentary lapse of judgment, soon to be rectified because beneath the poised appearances, we are completely out of control. And we know that soon the why and the reason will be gone and all that matters is its existence itself.

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'Ain at 18:25

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